I wish.......

I wish......

Why is it that strange websites link to my blog?I mean seriously all I blog about is my life and gaming; how could that have anything with Home Equity Loans? Seriously I don't even know what the fuck that is!

Another thing why do few people view my blog the day that I post but the next day on average I get ten to fifteen views? What am I not important enough for you idiots that you push me off to the side and get around to me another day?

Why won't wordpress let me indent on each new paragraph? Fuck that I'm gonna write this in open office. Motherfucker open office isn't working, to wordpad my children!

I don't mean to rant, I just can't help it. I would love to get on a blogging schedule but I just can't, I only post when I have stuff on my mind. I remember starting a post about Nebraskan School Teacher possibly being given the right to carry Firearms in class.

Thank every heathen god open office is opening, Wordpad doesn't have a spell/grammar check.

Oh to you idiots who tell me not to blog, you know who you are, there is a great chance that I will blog whatever you say to me.

Oh Elizabeth and I both got Tumblrs, is it Tumblrs? Is that the correct plural?

I dunno how I feel about Tumblr, it seems so informal. I love Wordpress because it's professional looking. I'm tempted to move to Blogger because It's more editable, is that a word? You can do more with blogger but I don't know how to edit html; me trying to do html is like me trying to speak German, I'd break bloggers servers by accident.

Another thing is the fact that I can't just import all of my posts, I mean I have thirty-ish posts here, I know that doesn't sound like much to you but to me it's a lot; I have a horrible memory so these posts are my memories. I don't normally stick to things, here’s an example: I love to write so I have multiple stories in various stages of development, I know everything about them and I can keep the plot lines straight but I only write when I'm inspired.

I've tried to write a journal for years, either they where found or I forgot about them. I love the idea of keeping a record of what happens in my life I just never keep to it or it's found. I talk trash about people in my life , you all know that. You all also know that I'm not gonna censor myself on my own bloody blog, I know that if you say something that wordpress doesn't like that they'll take it down without warning so I keep a hard copy of all I write. Blogger is less likely to take my posts down, if they don't like what I have to say they'll just take me out of the main blogger search.

If anything I'd love to have my own website, a whole blogging area and then possibly a page about scheduling Tarot readings. I know that is most likely out of my reach but I can hope. ;) I know I can make a website with on may web hosting site but I dunno.

I really should be getting to bed, it's one in the morning but I just feel kinda depressed. I just feel alone, I mean people are around me I just feel alone, cut off from them. When I talk to my family they don't listen, they're too caught up in they're own shite. When I talk to them I feel like what I'm saying is an alien language, I think so strangely when compared to them. A normal guy my age should be out cavorting with girls and driving while all I want to do is write, or read, or curl up in bed and cry.

Mum says I'm hiding here in my room; I don't want to go out and hang out with them and they don't want me out their either. Maybe this is my punishment. Why does everyone act like I'm being suicidal? If I die I'm gone, I don't want to disappear, I want to be remember for ages. Because you’re not really dead if your remembered.

I feel like I'm defective, like a part of me is missing. I know I have people who care about me I just feel so different. I feel like I've seen everything that can and will happen and then on the other hand I feel like I've seen nothing. I've seen every face that has been, is, and will be; Hecate showed me that ages ago. Because of that I feel so strange. I can feel Her about me but She is distant, well I guess that makes sense since one of her names is The Distant One.

Some days I feel like I just want to scream others I want to break things. I don't feel at home, I know this isn't my home. It's just temporary, everything in my life is temporary.

I wish I had a childhood, I wish I could remember my childhood. I wish I had a father. I wish He wasn't a drug addict. I wish he didn't exist. I wish I was immaculately conceived. I wish I could see Jason again. I wish I could beat him. I wish I could hate him. I wish I could spit on him. I wish I could hug him. I wish I could forgive him. I wish for his life to have been better. I wish his life wasn't so fucked up. I wish I could sleep for a century. I wish I knew where I was going. I wish I could divine my future. I wish I wasn't so much of a burden. And some days I wish I wasn’t born, my family would be so much happier.

I really want a hug now.

I never thought I would blog this much. My life isn't that interesting, all I blog about is me, me, me me! How can you guys fucking read this shit!? It's so self-centered and selfish.

My grandfather looks at me with such contempt and hatred, I just don't understand. People look at me now that I've dropped out like I did it so I could just lie about and do nothing. I dropped out because I'm in constant pain, yes I know that other people in my family are in pain as well but the get a reprieve I don't it's always here.

The only reprieve I've gotten was when I had morphine and that was after a surgery, Nothing we've tried helps and if it does it only lasts so long until it words no more. Currently I'm on vicodin and it doesn't really help with the pain, it just makes me floaty. It's easier for me to leave my body which in and of itself is a godsend because when I'm out of my body it hurts less, hence why I sleep a lot.

I keep getting asked if I'm dating anyone, no I'm not. No one would have me anyway, I'm defective. Besides if I was dating a guy my Grandmother and Mum would pitch a fit. It's just best if I'm alone with my problems. I'm not alone alone, I've got Elizabeth and Matthew to talk too. But there is only so long you can talk to a person before it gets bad. Elizabeth is is starting to show some of my more rude personality traits and Matthew is starting to get annoying. I should probably take a reprieve from them as to not harm them any further; I just can handle the silence, it's just so deafening.

I wish I had some of my old friends, but they're all gone now. Pagan Planet, gone. School, gone. One disbanded and the other I was forced to quit.

 

I should stop now before I write pages and pages.

Night,

Daniel Devereux